Mary Sue and Plain Jane
by Kageka
Summary: Mary-Sue Parodia Solita Vesta Nyx is here and she is going to take the world by storm with her Heart of Gold, stunning beauty and amazing powers from The Goddess! And there's her sister Jane I guess. Parody. Satire. Crack. Not to be taken seriously.
1. Hokage, dattebayo!

"As of today, two new transfer students will be attending our class!" announced Umino Iruka. Instantly, the class burst into gossip. It was in the middle of the year and they were the graduating class. Transfers were rare and no one transferred in the middle of the year or to the graduating class unless they had some serious clout and power. It was so unusual that even Nara Shikamaru lifted his head off the desk.

And right on cue, in walked the transfer students.

The gorgeous girl had long, wavy hair that reached past her butt. It was a brilliant shade of purple with silver and gold streaks, amazingly soft and silky, much like her ethereally pale skin that glowed like moonlight. Her hair hid her left eye, but her right was the most stunning shade of forest green framed by long lashes. Her lips were naturally red and full and her smile revealed cute dimples that just added to her attractiveness. She was slender and petite, a small delicate figure all the boys adored. She donned a beautiful and elaborate kimono that must have cost hundreds of thousands of ryō. It was a royal purple that matched her hair and had many colourful flowers adorning it. The boys stared at the absolutely gorgeous girl in front of them while the girls frowned in jealousy and envy.

"I am Mary-Sue Parodia Solita Vesta Nyx and I'm going to be the first female Hokage, believe it!" The boys blushed and cheered.

A black-haired girl stood beside Mary-Sue. Despite being taller, she was completely ignored next to Mary-Sue's radiance.

"I'm Jane, Mary-Sue's little twin sister." But no one was paying any attention to the brown-eyed girl next to Mary-Sue. They were too stunned by Mary-Sue's sheer beauty and presence.

"Settle down, kids. I know she's pretty and all but-" The boys clapped louder. Umino Iruka frowned. "I said SETTLE DOWN!" The boys quietened, but little whispers continued.

The back row was taken, and so the sisters were forced to take the front row. Lessons began and Iruka droned on about some boring shinobi code when someone whispered to the sisters.

"Oi, Nyx!" Mary-Sue and Jane turned to see a pink-haired girl glaring at them. Mary-Sue frowned.

"Who are you?"

The pinkette sniffed. "Haruno Sakura. Don't you know that you're taking the forbidden seat?"

Mary-Sue raised an eyebrow. "Forbidden seat?"

"Yes!" Sakura hissed. "It's the seat next to Sasuke-kun! No one is allowed to sit there, you moron!"

Jane looked up from her work. "It's just a seat. There's no need to get so angry. I don't think-" Sakura glared at her for interrupting.

"Shut up! No one's asking for _your_ opinion!" snarled the pinkette. Jane let out a sigh before returning to her work. Mary-Sue frowned.

"There is no need to be so rude. Sasuke is just a boy." Sakura turned an unattractive shade of red.

"What do you mean he's 'just a boy'! Sasuke-kun is the most talented ninja of this generation!"

Mary-Sue smirked. "Even though you haven't seen me in battle?"

"What?! You think you can beat Sasuke-kun? Are you delusional?" Sakura was practically spitting at her face. Iruka turned around to stare at the commotion.

"Haruno Sakura! That is not how Konoha ninja should address their comrades! Go and stand outside!" Sakura stormed out of the classroom. Jane sighed as lessons resumed.

"What's wrong, imouto?"

"All eyes are on you. Even though you participated in the argument, only Haruno-chan was sent out. She seems and dresses like a demure civilian girl as well, for her to lose her temper in such an unsightly a fashion is out of character. Even now as we are speaking, Iruka-sensei, a well-respected chūnin, doesn't seem to notice."

Mary-Sue blinked. "So? That just means we're good at covering up." Jane shook her head as Mary-Sue's interest slid back to the class.

"I would expect no less from someone with maxed out luck stats."

* * *

Notes: Please note that the opinion of characters, be they canon or OC, Mary Sue or Plain Jane, are not the same as the opinion of the author. All bashing that takes place is meant to be for comedy. This fic was merely the result of a simple idea and may not continue if more ideas do not pop up. Therefore, feel free to throw ideas at me. Thank you for reading!


	2. Teme!

"Next up is Sasuke vs. Mary!"

It was combat class and the class gathered around the sparing ring. Mary-Sue smiled at Iruka.

"I prefer to be addressed as Mary-Sue, Iruka-sensei. It's a vital part of my identity." Iruka smiled back.

"Very well. Since we have new students, I will go over the rules again. Only D-rank jutsu and below are allowed. No attacks meant to cause permanent or lasting damage are allowed. The spar ends when I say so or someone steps out of the ring. Enter the ring!"

Mary-Sue and Sasuke stepped into the ring. Jane could see the moment Sasuke dismissed her as a silly girl. Then again, with her long, silky hair, perfectly manicured hands, and frivolous kimono, it was easy to take the impracticality as a sign of an airhead rather than a show of power and status.

"Don't you dare hurt her up you asshole!"

"Yeah! We'll beat you up if you do anything!" Sasuke scoffed at the threats and crossed his arms.

"Start!"

Sasuke threw four kunai, not even bothering to aim properly. Mary-Sue dodged them with ease.

"Wind Release: Air Impact!" A wall of air slammed into Sasuke who hastily dug kunai into the ground to prevent himself from being thrown out. The class instantly erupted into cheers.

"Wind Release: Air Impact!" Sasuke got over the shock and dodged in time. He threw more shuriken. Jane frowned. He should know projectile weapons were ineffective against wind release users. He was an Uchiha, he should be using fire release unless…

Unless he didn't know how to use 'useless' D-rank fire techniques. Uchiha are arrogant like that.

"Is that all that slanted Rookie of the year can do?" Mary-Sue taunted. More unusually sloppy shuriken were thrown.

"Shut up." Huh. That was more verbal than Jane would've expected.

Mary-Sue smirked. "Never heard of psychological warfare? 'The Last Uchiha' isn't that great afterall."

A few more wind jutsu and shuriken were thrown around with a couple of the basic three before Sasuke decided he had enough.

"Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique!" Jane sighed and pinched her nose. If a ninja was this reckless and hot-tempered, it won't matter if he was S-class. He would die on the field by traps or genjutsu… in normal cases. Which meant Sasuke would probably be fine.

Mary-Sue's hands flew into hand seals. "Water Release: Water Bullet Technique!" Steam filled the air.

"STOP!" The steam cleared and Iruka was standing between the two. "Uchiha Sasuke loses on account of cheating!"

"What? But-" Iruka frowned sternly at Sasuke.

"You know the rules and I even restated them. No jutsu above D-rank. The Great Fireball Technique is a C-rank used by chūnin! If Mary-Sue hadn't been countered it, she would have been sent to the hospital!"

"Hn. It's not like she got hurt or anything. I only used it because she could handle it."

"So you knew she could do two elemental transformations, one of them being the Water Release?"

Sasuke crossed his arms. "She could have just dodged."

"And let it hit her classmates? I thought better of you, Sasuke. Before you go onto more advanced jutsu, one must learn the basics! If you want to use the Fire Release that badly, go learn some D-ranks! You will be having detention with me after school."

"Hmph." Sasuke left the field with bad grace. Mary-Sue stepped out of the ring and stood beside Jane.

"Well, that was disappointing. I didn't think he would cheat."

Jane looked at Mary-Sue disinterestedly. "That's cause he wouldn't have. To someone with his upbringing and pride, cheating would be worse than losing. You just bring that out in some people."

"Still, I would've thought the 'best ninja of our generation' would prove to be a greater challenge."

Jane rolled her eyes. "That's just because you're you. You're never going to get a worthy adversary, at least not anything more than a farce."

Mary-Sue's eyebrows scrunched. "Really? But isn't that like a good thing?"

"Adversity introduces a man to himself. Your scars make up your identity as much as your triumphs."

Mary-Sue's eyes sparkled. "Yosh! Then I shall seek out a worthy adversary!"

"Next up, Sakura vs. Kiba!" Mary-Sue's attention was easily gripped by the announcement.

"I bet Sakura sucks in battle! The Inuzuka will beat her to the ground!" Jane sighed. Her sister had obviously learned nothing.

"That being said, nearly all men can stand adversary of some sort. If you want to test a man's character, give him power. Someone like you is so successful you're destined to fail."


	3. Feminist Agendas

"-Team 7: Uzumaki Naruto, Mary-Sue Parodia Solita Vesta Nyx, Uchiha Sasuke and Jane!" The boys groaned as they weren't placed on Mary-Sue's team while the girls glared at Mary-Sue for being with Sasuke. Mary-Sue turned to her sister.

"It's good we got put on the same team, I guess. Even if it's with that teme." Jane sighed.

"And very weird. There are only supposed to be three genin per team. By the way, 'teme' is just a very rude way of saying 'you'. It doesn't mean bastard. The sentence 'even if it's with that 'you' doesn't make any sense." Mary-Sue rolled her eyes.

"Oh, shut up, Jane. You're just nitpicking. They must have decided I'm too good to fail and I'm not going anywhere without you." Jane just shook her head and returned her attention to whatever Iruka was saying.

"-and do not cause any trouble while waiting for your jōnin sensei or I'll have you sent back to the academy!"

The moment Iruka finished, Mary-Sue jumped out of her seat. "Finally! Let's go and eat lunch!" She grabbed Jane's hand and quickly dragged her out of the classroom.

The sisters found a rooftop to sit on that conveniently gave them an overview of the majority of the other genin. Jane got out two bento and gave one to Mary-Sue.

"I cooked your favourite."

Mary-Sue beamed. "Yay! I can never cook. Everything that passes through my hands turns to charcoal." Jane pulled out her book. It seemed like this was going to be a long lunch.

"A typical klutz!endearment!trait."

Mary-Sue pouted. "Oh, shut up! It's not like I can help it! I was created this way by the Goddess Kageka!"

"Surprisingly fatalistic from someone supposed to stand with the embodiment of self-determination."

"I was created that way too."

"I feel as though you are completely missing the point."

Mary-Sue shrugged. "Whatever. Oh, look! There goes Naruto and that Sakura bitch. Poor Naruto. I thought Naruto would appreciate kindness." Jane's eyes slid off her book to see Naruto being rejected harshly by Sakura. The scene was quickly dismissed and Jane returned to her book.

"It's just something that furthers Uchiha-kun and Uzumaki-kun's rivalry."

Mary-Sue pouted. "I wish I had a rival! Then I'd be much stronger! I've been searching for one forever!"

"Six months is not forever. It's less than 5% of your lifetime."

"But I've never taken so long for _anything_! I know! If I can't find one, I'll just create one!" Mary-Sue looked expectantly at Jane.

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"I-"

"No. Such a rivalry would tear down the balance. Your presence is destabilising as it is."

"But if I don't have one, I'll be so bored! You just need to lend me a bit of your chakra."

"No."

Mary-Sue sighed. "It can't be helped. _Kageka no Mahō: Yang Psyche Change!_ "

To anyone else, it would seem as if Mary-Sue's eyes started sparkling with unshed tears and her lip quivered delicately. Sparkles and flowers filled the background and luminescent light rained down on her, creating an irresistibly piteous image of silent suffering.

"Please?" Mary-Sue pleaded, her voice echoing in an alluringly delicate tone filled with melodious hope. The sensory overload would've been enough for even the most hard-hearted, bloodthirsty Kiri-nin to give into her demands.

Jane continued reading her book.

"There is a reason why the Goddess Kageka made me immune to your powers."

Mary-Sue's pout returned and the spell was broken.

"But-"

Jane pointed to the side. "Uzumaki-kun and Uchiha-kun are fighting."

Mary-Sue's attention instantly switched to the fight. "Go, Naruto!"

A few seconds later, Sasuke emerged from the window.

"Hah! Serves that teme right!" Oh, right. Mary-Sue was a sensor type as well.

Jane sighed once again. "Uchiha-kun isn't the most pleasant of blokes, but it doesn't change the fact that Uzumaki-kun just assaulted him."

"Don't be so uptight. It's just some silly genin fun! Besides, Naruto is a master prankster with a tragic background. Cut him some slack!"

"Being an orphan isn't uncommon. Getting your clan massacred by your older brother is. For all his unpleasantness, at least Uchiha-kun never disrupted lessons and act like a general nuisance."

Mary-Sue frowned at Jane. "Are you defending the teme now? Naruto is just a kid. Of course, he's going to act out!"

"Not really. Naruto is as much an attention-seeking, annoying brat as Sasuke is a close-minded, gullible idiot as Sakura is a childish, insecure pedant. Only a person with a hundred flaws can grow and perfect people are as unrealistic as they are boring." Jane flipped a page. "It's something an imperfect perfect person like you could never understand."

"Hey! What are you- Wait… Did you just call me perfect?" Jane ignored her. Mary-Sue's frowned deepened. "I'm not perfect! I can't cook or clean stuff and 'imperfect perfect' doesn't even make sense! If you're going to tell me that calling him 'teme' is wrong, then at least make sense yourself!" Jane sighed again, something she seemed to be doing too much in her sister's presence.

Of course, she would concentrate on that out of all the things she'd said. Jane didn't know why she continued attempting reason with Mary-Sue, but she supposed it was the reason the Goddess Kageka created her. Ah, well. Attention diversion time.

"Uzumaki-kun is approaching Haruno-chan."

"Hah! Go Naruto!"

"He is deceiving a girl, potentially with the intention of taking advantage of her, for his own benefit."

"Naruto is innocent! He won't try to do that!"

Jane pointed at the scene. Naruto was leaning to kiss Sakura. "He may not realise it and he probably won't think he's doing anything wrong even if he did. Bad decisions made with good intentions are still bad decisions."

Mary-Sue sighed. "You're thinking too deep into it. It's just a bunch of twelve-year-old kids who are finally hitting puberty. It's a crazy period. Stuffs bound to happen! Besides, being a ninja would mean enduring much greater hardships than a stolen kiss. If she couldn't see through his poor henge, she isn't cut out to be a ninja."

Being able to withstand assault doesn't make assault right, but Jane managed to withstand the urge to voice her opinion as Sakura dissed orphans in front of Sasuke. Now, Jane knew that Sakura was the book smart type and seemed to be insensitive to the emotions of people around her, but even then this was pushing it. Didn't she do any research on her crush? Anyone with half a brain could figure out that mentioning orphans in front of Sasuke was a stupendously idiotic idea.

"So who would you side with this time?" asked Jane.

"Sasuke, of course! He has a tragic childhood and Sakura is just a normal bitch with no excuse for her behaviour." Mary-Sue smiled and clapped her hands as a lightbulb went off in her head. "I know! Since Sasuke is such a bastard because of his dark past, I shall drag him into the light and save him! Then we can be best friends and live happily ever after!"

The background sparkled as Mary-Sue's eyes burned with passion. Her emerald orbs glowed a passionate red and the natural gold and silver streaks in her hair shone brilliantly. The soft, gentle waves of her hair curled up and with a few expert movements, Mary-Sue maneuvered her hair into a french bun with curly strands framing her face. Her kimono glowed and vanished, in its place was a royal purple cheongsam-style dress that ended mid-thigh. It had white and pink flowers embroidered on it and the slits by the side revealed equipment pouches. She wore a lavender haori with red and pink flame designs over it all and white pumps with an ankle strap. Her face was done up prettily, sparkly purple eyeshadow with light pink lipstick and blush. Her dangling earrings were made of diamond and platinum and her charm bracelet was gold with emeralds, matching her eyes perfectly.

"Lunch is almost over and it's time to get into kunoichi mode!" exclaimed Mary-Sue, her eyes still glowing red.

"... You do realise that fighting in a restrictive dress, flowing haori, makeup and 5-inch heels isn't the best idea? It's actually a step back from the ornamental kimono."

Mary-Sue huffed. "Please. For a kunoichi, we have to fight in a skirt, dress, heels or makeup. If we don't, all of a sudden, we become the 'girl-in-the-background' like Hinata or the 'not-really-girl-because-she's-so-tomboyish' girl like Tenten and I'm not aiming for that unlike you." Mary-Sue eyed her plain white blouse, taped-down navy blue trousers and standard issue shinobi sandals.

"It's practical."

"Pft. That's just conventional wisdom. Like how ninja are loyal robots and all women magically forget their skills the moment they get hitched. I don't see why _I_ have to follow that. If Senju Tsunade can fight while drunk with makeup, heels and that rack of hers, I don't see why I shouldn't be able to do so too."

"She's _Senju Tsunade_ , that's why. You're just Mary-Sue."

"Exactly. I am Mary-Sue Parodia Solita Vesta Nyx and I am going to change the status of women throughout the world!"

"...I thought you were going to be Hokage?"

"Of course! But that's just step one. I'll win the hearts of the other kage afterwards and _then_ change the status quo!"

"...I think your goal requires a little more than a three-step plan."

Mary-Sue waved her off. "I am Mary-Sue Parodia Solita Vesta Nyx. I'll be fine."

The most grating thing was that it was probably true.

Jane sighed and returned to her book. "If you say so. It's time to meet our jōnin sensei."

Topic instantly forgotten, Mary-Sue flashed a blinding smile. "Yosh! Let's go!"


End file.
